A “date me ad” I found on craigslist, very funny tho I decline to comment of how I feel about the actual message.

“I hear from my female friends about how they don’t want to be seen as a slut. Seriously, some of you have nightmares about it and need to seek counseling.

I have some idea where this comes from. This is a society founded by prudes (excuse me, Puritans) and we can’t teach a decent sex education class in this country without some fundamentalist jerking you off with a Bible. (BTW, kids, this leaves you with many uncomfortable paper cuts and I don’t recommend it.) Sexually transmitted infections are through the roof and teenage pregnancies are at the highest rate for industrialized countries. But, enough about the Spears family.

Since this is a day to celebrate on everything that your romantic relationships mean to you, I’m going to suggest something bold:

Women need to be more slutty.

I know, sounds strange, doesn’t it? Women are liberated and I’m just a man. Who am I to tell a woman what to do or how to feel? I’m supposed to be a good guy and contribute to women’s delusion that what other women think of them is the glue of reality. The only problem is that it doesn’t. You don’t need to withhold sex until the third, fifth, or even twentieth date if you don’t want to. You can even be aggressive, you naughty vixen.

So, here’s the list of ten solid reasons why you should risk your reputation and go wild with your hoo-hoo’s:

10) It feels good. Maybe for revealing this secret, repressed residents of Wisconsin will come west and beat me over the head with a copy of Focus on the Family’s newest book on why God wants women to never leave the kitchen.

I enjoy sex. Lots of people do.

How can I be sure? Well, you’re here, aren’t you? Your parents enjoyed fucking enough that they were willing to put up with your deadbeat ass in exchange.

You enjoy it, too. Let’s face it, would you rather go jogging or be given a high, hard one by someone who knows what he’s doing? Sure, after a bad day, chocolate ice cream sounds pretty good. But having a guy (or girl, I don’t judge) who can lick his eyebrows and breathe through his ears will melt more stress than all the Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s in Vermont.

9) Your grandmother was wrong. She used to tell you that “guys won’t buy the cow if they can get the milk for free.” He will if it is the best milk he’s ever had, he doesn’t want anyone else milking the cow, and it is the sweetest orgasm he’s ever had… nevermind.

The point here is that you are a modern woman. You’ve come a long way, baby. And you don’t need a guy supporting your life anymore. If you want to get married, more power to you. If you don’t, you have more time to become a CEO and less time wasted on picking up someone else’s socks. Maybe you want to wait until later in life? Fuck someone tonight! At least you will less stressed than the frigid librarian who goes after your credit score because you returned “He’s Just Not That Into You” three days late.

8) You want the guy of your dreams. Being slutty is not just putting out. Guys have a saying: “Sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s good.”

HORSESHIT! Those men have low standards.

You need to get good before you meet McDreamy and he takes you to his trailer. Mr. Right is a hot commodity and won’t settle for Miss Missionary-but-will-sit-on-top-for-special-occasions. Sure, you will have a learning curve with anyone. But sex becomes important when you run out of things to say (or are sick of hearing his same stories).

Larry Bird was one of the best all around shooters in NBA history for a very special reason. As soon as the playoffs were over, he was the first player on the court to start practicing free throws, turnarounds, and three-pointers. Sometimes pickup games with idiots in bars. Sometimes practicing alone. Sometimes with former team mates. He was great because he got a great amount of practice. And you need it, too. Otherwise, you won’t be ready when Kobe Bryant makes his move.

7) G.I. Joe was onto something. You meet a great guy in the bar/supermarket/flea market/church group. He has great hair. He makes you laugh without effort. He listens to you (really listens, not just pretends to get to see if you shaved above your knees). He has a great job that pays enough that he has plenty of spare time to fawn over you and buy you shit. He doesn’t mind that you want to wait until marriage because you’ve been burned by sexual relationships in the past.

On the wedding night, he sweetly takes you by the hand to the bed, gently kisses you, and then pulls out the smallest piece of meat you’ve seen without a toothpick in it. And finishes so quickly you wonder if he fucked you or was giving you a booster shot.

Now, you are screwed. You are with a wonderful guy that will never be able to get you another O-face in your looooooong, miserable life.

All because you didn’t throw him into a bathroom stall on the first date, tear down his pants like they were on fire, examine the situation, and joyously violate him like a parking meter while the line of jealous men spills out to the bar.

At least you would’ve known. And knowing is half the battle.

6) Men hang onto anything valuable. Wine. Baseball cards. Hubcaps. If you do something slutty like not wear underwear to the club and pull him to the corner and put his hand under your cocktail napkin of a skirt just long enough for him to feel the new wax job done by a Korean that thought she was Brazilian, he will go wild. . It will make you special and stand out among the other girls in his past. Do you worry about one of his sultry ex’s coming back into his life and stealing all that you worked for? If just once a week, you lead him by the hand to the bedroom and ride him like he was the bomb Slim Pickens rode at the end of a Kubrick film, he will love you forever.

I dated a girl that was downright mean. Really mean. She used to rejuvenate nightly by drinking the blood of virgins. But on one occasion, when she knew I was about to dump her, she sat on my lap while a long forgotten roommate was in the other room, lifted her skirt slightly, pushed her panties to the side, and induced one of the hardest orgasms of my life. Even though she was collecting Dalmatian puppies to make a fur coat out of, that relationship lasted a long time because sexually aggressive (“slutty”) girls are most valuable to me. And many other guys.

Would her friends have approved? Probably not. Did it work? I almost proposed.

5) Men are easily amused. Remember when your boyfriend took you out on Valentine’s day to see an Owen Wilson movie and eat at the Olive Garden? It was because he is broke. It gets expensive always going out.

Next time you are both ready to go out for the evening, throw him on the floor of the living room (or bedroom, if he still lives with his parents!) and spend the evening fucking him three ways from Sunday. The more often you do this, the more money he will have to spend on you when it matters. Sex is inexpensive, but Ruth’s Chris is not. Condoms cost $8 per box, but a nice engagement ring begins at 10k.

Your choice: Margarita’s twice a week? Or a new Louis Vuitton four times a year?

4) I haven’t been laid well in awhile.

3) I haven’t been laid well in awhile.

2) I haven’t been laid well in awhile.

1) Seriously, I haven’t had a decent orgasm with someone else in the room for a long, long, ridiculously long time. “